You've Gotta Be Kidding Me!
by My Dictator Level is Over 9000
Summary: ...And he STILL doesn't understand why his counterpart didn't take the money! Rated T.
1. Chapter 1

_**Authors Note: I DON'T OWN THIS SHOW. TAKES PLACE AFTER THE MOVIE. THIS ONESHOT IS BASED OFF OF THE ORIGINAL SERIES OF 'PHINEAS AND FERB' AND NOT MINE.**_

* * *

"…I will give you one hundred _thousand _dollars, if you walk away now and make like none of this ever happened. You are free and no longer apart of this. You aren't to return to the Tri State Area and you most certainly are NOT to report this scandal to public ears. Do I make that clear?"

"What happens if I come back?" Alt Doofenshmirtz asked him.

"You will be killed."

He thought this over and spoke again, weighing his options here. "I can never come back to the Tri State Area?"

"You are forbidden to."

"…What about them?" The dictator pointed to a group of captives, all in chains and staring on at the conversation in shock and amusement from cages.

"As soon as you walk out that door they are to be immediately disposed of."

"All of them?"

"Yes."

"Don't take it Dr. D! Please!" Phineas cried, gripping the bars of the cage. And it didn't matter how much his pet tried to pull him from the bars, or how his sister and brother were staring at him like he was crazy, he still pleaded for his life, for all of their lives, for the sake of both Dimensions. "What about everything we've been through up until now? You can't do this! I thought we were friends!"

The one eyed man ignored the boy, not responding at all to the outburst, not even so much as looking up to Phineas' betrayed face.

Instead, Rodney continued his bargaining's, but not before setting the red haired boy straight. "You think he's your friend? That's hilarious. If he was truly your friend, I believe he'd be in that cage with you, sharing the same fate as your family and his own counterpart. Doofenshmirtz is a conniving, ruthless, merciless, dictator. Or _former dictator_, that is once he hands over the Tri State Area to me and high tails it out of here before guns are drawn and he's unfortunate to encounter one of them. He is no idiot, and knows good and well that he will be killed where he stands if he so much as THINKS about double-crossing our little deal…And to sweeten the deal even further, I will go as far as to three hundred thousand dollars."

"YES!" The woman with the purple dress and afro-ish hair exclaimed, ecstatically and excited. "I'M RICH!" She laughed maniacally and noticed everyone was blinking at her, including Alt. Doofenshmirtz. So she regained herself, nervously laughing it off. "I-I mean WE'RE rich. Honey pie…"

"Honey pie?" The 1st Dimension Doofenshmirtz finally spoke up. "But you're going out with me! You're from OUR dimension. Remember?"

"No. I don't think I recall that." She told her now ex-boyfriend and walked to put an arm around her new identical one with the black dress.

Doof looked at the bars, not through them but he focused on their texture and structure. He wasn't thinking of a way out of them though, he just wanted to keep to himself. It wasn't that he was sad that his girlfriend of about a week and a half -the entire time they've been on this crazy adventure – just dumped him in seconds for the other him, (Honestly he saw that coming about the second day in), but he wanted to think to himself because he didn't understand. Why wasn't his counterpart accepting the offer? Why wasn't he jumping at the chance to run away and never look back? He could leave them all for death and get away freely, and with a cash prize? Shoot! The THINGS he could do with three hundred thousand dollars!

"Do we have a deal Doofenshmirtz?" Rodney extended his hand, waiting for the sign of the deal closer. It ever came. There was just doubt in the dictator's voice as he asked more questions.

"What about my daughter?"

"You will leave alone, no exceptions."

"What about my gener-"

"To lessen your rambling questions, and to save myself the headache, I am fully prepared to raise this bargain to one…million…dollars. Do you take it?"

"How much is the Tri State Area even worth to you anyway?" Alt Doof asked curiously.

"Your life."

That shut him up and he kept thinking hard, looking for a closure. The dictator thought and thought and kept thinking, straining his brain until it hurt. He stayed silent still, waiting.

"Two million dollars, Doofenshmirtz, you can't afford to throw that away."

The dictator put his hands up as a barrel rested against the exact center of his back, he shook slightly in fear, trying to calm down his already shaky and nervous breath.

"Don't be so _stubborn. _I am offering you your _freedom _here. Think over your decisions _wisely_."

And he did, gulping, he made his decision, almost crying as he shoved out the words. "N-No deal…**AGH!**" Alt Doof cried out as the bullet tore into his flesh, the bullet exiting from his shoulder. He groaned as he fell to his knees, feeling warm fluids start to pour down his back. But he could still move his legs, he wasn't paralyzed like he at first thought he was. Turns out he was shot through his shoulder blade and now he felt blood ooze out of the front side of his shoulder. Painful, but he wasn't dead, not yet.

"The next one will kill you." Rodney said as he reloaded the weapon, placing the barrel of the gun to the back of the dictator's neck. "So what will it be?" He sneered just before he was forced to the floor and shots were fired.

"OTHER ME, RUN!" Doofenshmirtz cried as he fought Rodney for the gun. "WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST TAKE THE MONEY?!"


	2. How'd this happen again?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz wondered just how he got into this mess. Oh yeah, this was all because of an email. This was all happening because of a ridiculous, stupid, horrible, forsaken, email. That one email with that one attached file, sent to that one recipient, is what caused everything to go horrible. It was ridiculous, right? Completely ridiculous! He was spinning in circles, fighting Rodney for a weapon that he didn't even want! But there was no way he could let the dude have the thing!

Even if he won this fight and got the gun, what was he going to do with it? He couldn't shoot someone! He wasn't capable of doing something like that, and he was pretty sure Rodney knew that. They were all doomed!

He knew he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he shot someone, but he also knew that he'd never live with himself if Rodney obtained the gun and shot one of those kids, or worse he would shoot his nemesis…What? Don't look at him like that! He didn't forget about the evil girl, he just…Okay, okay! He admits that if she ended up getting shot that he would care a little bit _less _than if it were Perry the Platypus or Perry the Platypus' owners who got shot…It wasn't a terrible conclusion to make! The woman dumped him for loads and loads of money! …Okay, he also admits that even _he _would also dump himself for loads and loads of money... but still!

Spinning in circles with a gun definitely wasn't a good thing, not only was it dangerous and completely reckless but it was downright scary. The fact that he was blindly spinning with the gun didn't help the situation at all, especially with rounds firing uncontrollably. Also the screaming in the background just freaked him out all the more.

People were screaming because they were scared- (Obviously, wouldn't you scream too?) -and those people were those two boys, their sister, his nemesis and that evil girl he once dated. What a mess this was, really.

The shots kept crashing from the gun the two scientists were both fighting for, again and again. This had to be stopped. Someone was going to be killed! So Doofenshmirtz kept fighting, yanking, pulling, pushing, twisting, and doing just about anything he could to keep Rodney from pulling the weapon from his hands. He really hoped someone had a plan at this point! He could already feel his fingers slipping…

"Go Dr. D!" Phineas yelled.

"Get down!" Candace screamed and pulled her two brothers to the floor with her.

The woman in the purple dress and moon earrings stood angrily, shaking her fist in the direction of the two fighting scientists. "Hey! I can hear your thoughts, you know! What do you mean you'd care less?!"

"I said, get down!" Candace pulled the woman to the floor by her wrist, a bullet barely missing the woman's head. "I don't know what the heck is wrong with you people!" Candace told the woman and her brothers. "If someone is shooting off rounds, you drop to the floor! I thought that was basic action movie logic!"

"What do we do, Ferb?" Phineas asked.

Ferb shrugged, using his arms to shield his head.

Candace yelled over the bullets. "We stay down!"

Phineas shook his head. "I still can't believe this all started because Dr. D sent that email. What an unfortunate chain of events."

Ferb nodded in agreement.

"Well, believe it!" Candace glared. "Heinz is a complete idiot!"

"Hey!" Doofenshmirtz let go of the gun and pointed an accusing finger at Candace. "You know I can hear what you-" He looked at their horrified expressions and gasped as he looked down at his empty hands. "Whoops…"

Rodney smirked and raised the gun at them.

Candace got up and stamped her foot. "Nice going!"

Doof glared back at her. "Hey, you're the one who distracted me!"

"You all must think I'm an imbecile." Rodney said, and yelled at the group. "Get up and raise your hands immediately!"

Phineas, Ferb, and the evil woman complied. Slowly they stood and put their hands in the air. Candace did what was told and raised her hands too. Dr. Doofenshmirtz was last to do so, silently lifting his arms into plain sight.

"Turn around, all of you!"

The five followed orders and spun around to face the wall. Dr. Doofenshmirtz was the only one who smirked to himself, and was the wiser of what was about to happen next. He tested his luck and said the key words. "Hey…Where's Perry the Platypus?"

That was the cue and the previously hidden platypus jumped on the gun, starting another struggle.

"Ha!" Doof taunted in triumph.

"How'd you know that was going to happen?" Phineas asked him.

"He didn't" Candace rolled her eyes and folded her arms.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz rolled his too, and shrugged. "She's right, I didn't. But it was cool, wasn't it?"

"Really cool!" Phineas agreed.

Ferb coughed and got Doof's attention.

"Yes?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

"Don't just stand there." Ferb said. "Help him." He said and pointed to the door that Alt. Doof bolted through before the first struggle for the gun. Dr. Doofenshmirtz nodded and pushed through the double doors. He skidded down the halls and didn't look back, not even when he heard the gun started to go off again. Perry the Platypus could handle it, right?

* * *

He gasped, clutching his shoulder and leaning up against the wall. Alt. Doof groaned louder with the more pressure he put on it. This shit really hurt, seriously. Getting shot through the shoulder was no damn joke. _God_, this _SUCKS._

But he had to keep moving, he had to find-

"_Shit_." Alt. Doof stumbled and fell back against the wall. He had to find- Shit, he had to find- Damnit… He couldn't focus. "Stupid mortalityyyy…" He moaned and slid down to the floor. Shutting his eye was proving way too easy, but for the life of- for the life of- Ugh…that- "Damn machineeeee…" He whined, and he just had to stay focused.

His head rolled to the side and focused on a closet. Crawling to it- or was he limping? He grasped the knob with a bloody hand and turned it until it clicked open. Shelves of all kinds of supplies met his gaze and he pulled down what he needed.

Pulling down towels and antiseptic and bandages, the items were now scattered around him as he pulled himself back to the wall for support. With one hand he pulled back his clothes to reveal the wound, red and rotting. All he could smell was the blood, clouding him and making him feel sick. He bit into his shirt collar to brace himself before dousing it in a clear, and burning, liquid.

Recovering slowly and reawakening his senses from the sensation, he wrapped around his arm with bandages, tightly and ripped it off the role with his teeth.

He could tie it only so well with one hand, but it would have to do until something better arose to use. On his feet and walking straighter, Alternate Doofenshmirtz trekked on through the white hallways.

* * *

Phineas flinched at the force and sound of it but then his entire body went still. The shock registered through him before any other feeling or emotion and for a moment he was numb. Then it came to him all at once from every direction, centering around his heart and he felt a pain. The young body hit the floor, thick with the blood but all he could do was shout as his eyes blurred for him from the tears. "No! …NO!"

* * *

"Other me…? Hey, other me, are you down here? Yo?" Dr. Doofenshmirtz ceased his loud whisperings, gave up, and shouted. "YO, OTHER ME!"

"QUIET!" An equally loud voice hissed back at him. "They can hear you!"

"Other me, there you are!" Doof said, still loud.

"Quiet!" Alt. Doof scolded. "I said, they can hear you! Get down!" He whispered and pulled the scientist to the ground with him against the wall.

Doofenshmirtz nodded and went silent, waiting. He wasn't really that patient. "Who can hear me, other me?"

"Shhh!" Alt. Doof half whispered, or more so growled at him. He peeked around the corner at the two Normbots keeping watch in front of a sliding door, pulling his moron of a counterpart's head so the scientist could see what he was seeing.

"Oh!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz exclaimed and the two robots were alerted, looking around for the noise.

Alt. Doof pushed them both back behind the wall, and when the robots that were no longer under his control looked away, he turned back to glare at the scientist. "What the hell is the matter with you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why can't you, for ONCE in your life just _SHUT UP_ when I tell you something? Hm? Why can't you just respect that I know what I'm talking about and to leave well enough alone? Huh? Why is it that you JUST _can't _do that?"

"Um-"

"This is of course how this all started, right?" Alternate Doofenshmirtz kept going. "I told you something, and you didn't trust my perspective so you went elsewhere to find it. You sent that email, and now all of _THIS _happened… And NOW I'm telling you, no- _begging _you, to SHUT _UP_ before you finish off ruining what little life I have left in all of this. So PLEASE…please, please, please, please, please, please, _please_...be quiet…'kay?"

Doof nodded blankly while Alt. Doof pulled out the crowbar he was hiding between his back and the wall. The other him looked around the corner once before taking a deep breath and throwing the metal bar where it flew pass the robots and away before landing with a _clang! _Dr. Doof face palmed before seeing that the robots flew away to follow the sound, then his one-eyed counterpart scrambling to the automatic sliding door. He got up and followed, staring while the injured man tried to pry it open. He didn't really understand. "What are you doing?"

His voice, like before was too loud again and alerted the Normbots who turned around to spot them. The robots lights turned a blood red to show their anger at being fooled and infiltrated on.

Alt. Doof was desperate at this point. "Help me!" He cried and pulled at the doors harder.

"Help you with what?"

"The door! Please, just grab the door!"

Dr. Doofenshmirtz never saw the other him so full of fear. He grabbed the door as told. "Now what?"

"Pull! For the love of- you stupid idiot, just _PULL!_"

And they pulled together. Their doubled strength did the trick and the door was forced open.

"We did it!" Doof cheered and was last to notice the Normbots coming right for them at an alarming speed.

"Move!"

"What?"

"_MOVE!_" Alt. Doof shouted and pushed him in through the door, so hard that he landed a few feet from the entrance. His counterpart jammed shut the door barely a second before the robots charged at it. They paused outside the windowed door, staring at them through the glass.

"What are they doing?" Doofenshmirtz asked.

"They can't get through." Alt. Doof said, standing and then helping up his counterpart. "This room was specifically built. It's like a bomb shelter. Nothing can break or blow it in..." The dictator trailed his voice and traveled further into the room. "

"It was a good idea coming in here, other me. They can't get us now. You're brilliant."

"I could care _less _if they got me."

"I don't understand." Dr. Doofenshmirtz admitted but his counterpart just walked deeper in.

"I didn't come in here to save myself."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Why do you call me that anyway?" Alternate Doofenshmirtz questioned suddenly.

"Call you what, other me?"

"_That_." The other him emphasized. "That- that, _other me_. Why do you call me that?"

"I don't know." Doof shrugged. "That's what you are, aren't you? You're another version of me. You're another me, it makes sense. I thought it was an okay nickname…but if you don't like it then of course I can always _STOP_-"

"No." Alt. Doof told him. "It's…_cute_. I suppose."

"Cute?" Doof said incredulously. "I didn't know someone like you was even _CAPABLE_ of saying the word _cute_."

"Someone like me, huh?"

Dr. Doofenshmirtz heart jumped. "That's not what I-"

"What kind of a person am I?" Alt. Doof intimidated and his counterpart stuttered.

"A- A really good one…"

"You're a terrible liar." The dictator said plainly. "I'm offended because of it."

"Well don't be." Doof said. "I don't have any idea of what it is I'm even saying at this point… Hey, you're smart. What is it I'm saying, other me?" He waited for an answer. "Other me? …What are you looking at?" The scientist looked ahead of the dictator, and -like his counterpart- froze into silence.

Of course the two men, along with being the same in every way, were very, very different in things. This included their ways of showing emotions. Alternate Doofenshmirtz accepted things and responded appropriately to them, while Dr. Doofenshmirtz just gawked and pointed like an imbecile.

"Hey, what's that?" Doof asked.

So he did just that, standing there pointing stupidly and questioning until the other him furiously slapped his hand down. He didn't know why the other him was suddenly so upset. He was just surprised as all, wasn't this the normal reaction when someone found a large, weird, blue, glowing, tube-y thing? They freak out about it? But at least they were reacting the same in one way, they were both still staring at it. So he tried again. They were somewhat on the same page with this thing, right?

"What's the matter? What's that thing?" Dr. Doofenshmirtz asked, not meaning to say it as quickly as he did.

"My globules in a jar." Alt. Doof sighed.

"You know that is the weirdest thing anyone's ever said to me, right?"

"I can't believe this!"

"Believe what, other me?"

"WHY DID YOU HAVE TO SEND THAT STUPID EMAIL?!"

"I-" Doofenshmirtz started but his counterpart by now had already calmed himself.

"I'm not mad at you." Alt. Doof said, tugging back his hair. "I'm not, I just- I wish you would have just _listened_ when I-" His voice failed him, and his charade was over. He couldn't hold it anymore. "Oh…Oh Platyborg- What did he do?"

Dr. Doofenshmirtz realized that his counterpart wasn't talking to _him _anymore_, _but was talking in the direction of the giant, blue illuminating, tube. Some would have momentarily labeled the man as insane- and he did for a few seconds, but denied it.

Then he looked deeper, past the cold fog seeping from the metal tubing and past the wires to what it was all holding. A small body was in the middle of it all, floating peacefully. It's metallic hands hung limply by its sides but it didn't move. The thing didn't even look like it was _alive._

"Perry the Platyborg?" Doof questioned. "What's _he _doing here?"

There was some kind of love, some kind of hidden affection in the dictator's eye whenever he looked at the thing. When the cyborg looked back, the unspoken feelings were mirrored almost completely if not a little fuzzy. He had caught the other him and the cyborg exchanging silent glances before, both of them weighing their options upon each other evenly. Now the weight was thrown into the other him's eye, left for his counterpart to hold all alone. The cyborg's eyes, both organic and non were closed, its bill in a deep frown that one might've describe as one of pain but it wasn't that. The thing was completely unharmed, it was only trapped. At least that's what it looked like to him. He could've been wrong.

"What's going on, other me? How could all of this have been triggered by an email? This doesn't make any-" Dr. Doofenshmirtz jumped and spun around to the door where the robots were now trying to break in by force, ramming themselves against the Plexiglas. He laughed at them. "Haha! Look at them! They're so stupid, they think they can actually-" The scientist's laugh had a heart attack and died on scene when the glass started to crack under the robots weight. "…Shoot. They _can_! ...Other me!" He called his counterpart for help.

Alt. Doof looked up. "Help me."

"Help _you_?" Doof exclaimed. "Help_ US_!"

"Help me get him out of here!"

"But the robots-!"

"Just help me!"

Doofenshmirtz looked between the furious robots and his counterpart, and broke. He whined his surrender loudly. "Fineeeeeeeeeeee! How do we get him out?"

The door started to creak and the two counterparts turned in alarm. The Normbots were prying open the door. Alternate Doofenshmirtz ran to secure the door, pushing one side closed with one hand and pulling with the other at the other side of the door. He started giving orders over his shoulder. "Open the panel!"

"Okay!" Doof called back and did it. "Done."

"Okay- Now, close it."

"Close it?!"

"Just trust me!"

Dr. Doofenshmirtz nodded to no one and closed it, surprised when the futuristic tube started to talk.

"_Welcome, to the Polymethyl Methacrylate-izer." _It said in a feminine computerized voice, and the scientist swore he heard the other him curse at the very last part of the name. _"Also known throughout the lab as the P.M.M.A.-izer. Who would you like to cryogenically imprison today? We have a long list of settings we know you'd like to…-"_

"Kick the panel in!" Alt. Doof yelled over the rest of the message, straining to keep the door from breaking open. Pieces of glass were already splitting against his hands.

"I'm not that strong enough to-"

"JUST DO IT!"

"Okay…" Doof gulped, and brought his left foot back, thought about it more and then switched to his right foot.

"Okay, okay…" Alt. Doof huffed. "I'm going to let them in."

"YOU'RE GONNA WHAT?!"

"Kick it as hard as you can when I say now and grab him, do you understand?"

"What are you-!"

"I said kick it when I say now!"

"WAIT-!"

"**_NOW!_**"


	3. So, this happened and-

_**Who likes this story, huh? ...Also...Galaxina-the-Seedrian, I have once again stolen your line breaker...soooooo...MWAHAHA!**_

_**~Natty**_

* * *

"_I'm going to let them in."_

"_YOU'RE GONNA WHAT?!"_

"_Kick it as hard as you can when I say now and grab him, do you understand?"_

"_What are you-!"_

"_I said kick it when I say now!"_

"_WAIT-!"_

"_**NOW**__!" _

_._

_._

_._

_._

_._

_._

Dr. Doofenshmirtz made plans all the time, everyday really. He made plans which evolved to complicated evil plans that—alright he admitted that most of the time didn't really work out well, but they would if there wasn't any interference! He swears! If he had the chance, and if maybe Perry the Platypus wasn't around then he could win some! He wasn't a _complete_ loser…all the time…

He was sure he was smart. He knew he could just _do it _if he was _just _given the chance. He _just _wanted to try. This was, of course, how all of this started anyway. He was curious and wanted answers, so he sought out for them and something went horribly wrong, and now they were all at this point.

His counterpart was lucky. The guy really knew what he was doing when it came to, well, everything. The other him really knew how to manipulate things to his own favor. So he guessed that was fair, they were two different people anyway. They were very different, kind of similar…sometimes…or most of the times…eh, it didn't really matter at this point.

He guessed the point is, he didn't know that he knew he had a counterpart until about a week ago when he was given back his memories. They all got their memories back last week of the 2nd Dimension and all that stuff. You know, the usual things…

.

.

_-"You peed on my couch!"_

_-"You're a secret agent?"_

_-"Hey, where's Dr. D?"_

_-"I've fooooound a brand new best friend and it's me!"_

_-"Oh, there you are Dr. Doofenshmirtz!"_

_-"I thought I'd have both my eyes you know…"_

_-"Wait, wait, WAIT!"_

_-"It's the mysterious force!"_

_-"Everything's better with Perry!"_

_-"Does this mean you and I are exactly alike?"_

_-"Man, this was the greatest day ever. Imagine how much fun we can have together now that we know you're a secret agent!"_

"_Yes, yes, the next fifteen minutes should be a real hoot. Then, of course, Agent P will be sent away forever."_

_-"I'll be honest, Ferb. I'm having a hard time putting a positive spin on this. But, I guess that's life, huh? One minute you're having the best day ever, the next you're being fed to a monster the size of a two car garage."_

_-"Perry, trust me!"_

_-"Thank you, Perry the Platypus…"_

_-"There's robots, Phil, ROBOTS!"_

_-"Please insert the key. Please insert the key."_

_-"You have a new leader. Put on your Dooferalls."_

"_36 inch waist."_

"_No way. I'm a 34!"_

_-"WOLVERINES!"_

_-"Huh. And everything started out so well this morning…"_

_._

_._

_._

Yeah, all that, brought back by a simple flash of light! Did he mention that it gave him a headache? A really bad one! A really, really bad headache! But his counterpart- who he immediately identified after the flash- told him to walk it off! Can you believe that? Then his counterpart decided to make himself comfortable in his house!

Everything started out fine last Thursday, now all of THIS happened! I guess you're wondering what _all of THIS _was in the first place. You're wondering why the Normbots turned against his counterpart, why Rodney is suddenly the richest man alive, why they're in his house right now, why Perry the Platyborg is in a coma, why he's back with that evil girl, why Perry the Platypus' owners are involved in this, why his counterpart gave him back his memories, why his counterpart's life was falling apart because of all the previous things mentioned, and how…just _how _did something as simple as an email cause _ALL _of this…

He'd tell you right now, he _really would_, but his life was kind of in peril at the moment and he kind of deemed his life more important than your stupid questions! Haven't you been paying attention at all this whole week?! Oh yeah…you weren't here all week. You didn't witness anything that happened, you just joined us about twenty minutes ago…Well good job on missing out! You know you're super late right? No you're _beyond _late, because this is the end of this story and he'd rather not relive anything that has happened to him this past week! But he guesses he has to! Since YOU weren't present for it!

Look, he's really pressed for time right now and he promises all will be explained later, but a giant psychotic robot is kind of aiming a blaster at his head at the moment and he can't stick around to chat! All you need to know right now is he sent an email he wasn't supposed to and now all of _THIS _is happening! Do you get the picture? Just understand that this all happened because of an EMAIL! …Okay, TWO emails if you want to count the reason why the evil girl is with them. Two emails then! He swears he's never using the internet again after _this one_.

Um…right…where were they again? Oh yes, present time and locked in a chamber! Gotcha!

.

.

.

.

"I'm going to let them in."

"YOU'RE GONNA WHAT?!"

"Kick it as hard as you can when I say now and grab him, do you understand?"

"What are you-!"

"I said kick it when I say now!"

"WAIT-!"

"_**NOW!" **_His counterpart shouted and rolled away from the door. The Normbots poured in, already aiming their blasters. "Grab him!"

Dr. Doofenshmirtz would have nodded if he had the time, and as the large container cylinder unit thing opened he grabbed the unconscious cyborg and ducked out of the way.

Alt. Doof took this moment to get up and kick a robot in the back, this caused the robot to be forced forward, pushing all the other robots along with itself into the containment unit. "Close it!" The dictator said breathlessly.

Doofenshmirtz did as instructed, with the arm that wasn't holding the cyborg he jammed the door closed, trapping the Normbots inside. In the silence that followed, he filled it with heavy breathing.

"Well, that worked." Alt. Doof said with a hint of previous doubt.

"What? Didn't you know it would work?"

"Nope. But it did."

"I thought you were the 'I always know what I'm doing and I'll always get us out of this' guy! If I knew that you didn't think that plan was going to work, then I would have never done everything you said!"

"Quit whining. It did work, didn't it? So there's nothing to be upset about." Alt. Doof told him with lack of concern.

"But it could have failed! Then what would have happened then?"

"We'd all be dead. Now come on, I don't like the way those Normbots are staring at me."

Dr. Doofenshmirtz sighed and reluctantly followed the dictator out of the room. "Hey, why _were _they looking at you like that?"

"I'm their master and I just abandoned them. How do you _think _they're supposed to look at me?"

"But they were trying to kill us, doesn't that justify your abandonment to them?"

"You have to understand that I _created _them," Alternate Doofenshmirtz sighed. "They're supposed to follow my every command to the ends of the earth or be destroyed trying. Just like with Platyborg, speaking of which, I don't want you holding him. Give him here."

"I can hold him, what's the big deal?"

"I don't want him ruined by you along with the rest of my life."

"Oh, _that_ again? Seriously? Come on, I- how many times do I have to say I'm sorry?"

"Sorry doesn't exactly cut what you did from my memory." Alt Doof sulked.

"It was ONE email! ONE!"

"And it destroyed everything."

"Well I won't be sending emails again anytime soon, if I recall correctly you bludgeoned my laptop to pieces right in front of me. You know you owe me money to get that fixed!"

"I don't owe you anything."

Doofenshmirtz scowled. "You're lucky I'm choosing to let the whole _smashing my computer with Norm's arm _thing go!"

"You're lucky you're still distributing oxygen throughout every part of your body, now shut up please. I'm thinking."

"About what?"

"None of your business."

"I thought everything I did was your business?" Doof asked.

"It is."

"Then doesn't that make everything you do my business too?"

"The thing is, it really doesn't so-"

"What are we going to do now?"

"That's what I'm trying to think about! If you'd just-" Alt. Doof stopped talking suddenly. "…"

"If I just what? What were you going to say to me?" Doof waited for a response. "...Well? ….You're doing that thing again, you know, the thing where you just stop talking midsentence that-"

"Sorry…I just…Platyborg…" The dictator mumbled.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz started shaking the cyborg in his arms. "Hey Perry the Platyborg, wake up." The cyborg didn't do anything so the scientist tried again. "Perry the Platyborg, hey, the other me is worried about you, wake up buddy. Hey…?..He's not waking up, other me."

"I'm aware of that."

"Well what's wrong with him?"

"What makes you think I know?"

"Again, you're _that _guy. You're the 'I always know what I'm doing and I'll always get us out of this' guy! Remember?"

"One, I never gave myself that title. Two, _you _gave me that title. And three, since it was you who gave me that title, it is automatically voided because you are an idiot. Therefore, I am not _this guy _you keep referring to. At the risk of sounding like a misunderstood gothic teenage girl, I'm just me."

Doofenshmirtz blinked, and his mind suddenly flashed back to his own misunderstood gothic teenage daughter Vanessa. He thought if he remembered it right…

.

.

.

_I can do it, I can run, I can hunt you down._

_You can try, but you can't stop me 'cause I'm gaining ground._

_I'm light on my feet and I'm quick to the punch._

_I had a heavy breakfast, but a real light lunch._

_I'm a raging bonfire, a cherry bomb, I'm me!_

_I'm rough-and-tumble, I'm the one to beat,_

_I'm a fresh coat of blacktop burnin' at your feet._

_I've got a poisonous sting, when I rain I pour._

_I'm the best of the best, I'm the soup du jour._

_I'm smooth as glass, and sharp as a tack, I'm me._

_I'm the last and best stick of gum in the pack, I'm me._

_._

_._

_._

_._

Yup, when he pictured that same musical number with the other him instead of his daughter, it was kind of creepy and he recommends that no one should EVER do what he did and picture the other him in that same music video. Okay, he admits that it was kind of epic pictured but it was just the image of his counterpart doing a split that made him want to scream in terror…

"He won't wake up, other me…I don't know what to-"

"_NO! NO NO!" _They heard a voice screaming in agony.

Alt. Doof listened carefully. "Isn't that, that triangle faced child who lives with your silly little nemesis?"

"If you mean _Phineas_, then _yes _that's him. And Perry the Platypus isn't-" Dr. Doofenshmirtz started, but saw the way his counterpart was looking at him. "Uh, we should go check on them right?"

"I suppose." Alt. Doof shrugged and they started back down the hallways.

* * *

Candace couldn't believe her eyes when she first turned. She heard the giant BANG before she saw the small body she's known for years lying on the ground.

Ferb was speechless, unmoving. The evil girl's hand came up to cover her mouth with a small gasp. Candace was in shock and only reacted after she saw Phineas running to the body.

"PERRY!"

* * *

Dr. Doofenshmirtz wasn't the one to generally take things well. When Roger hit him in the face with that kickball, he cried and no one helped him. When his counterpart ripped off Norm's arm in a terrifying fury and started brutally beating it against his laptop, he was kind of angry. I mean, come on! He JUST sent in the last payment on that!

When his father started entering him in dog fights instead of their dog Only Son- Well….he didn't really want to think about _that_ one…

So when he saw blood on the floor, his nemesis unconscious with Phineas crying over him, there was no other reaction in him except pure shock. Rodney was standing there, but he couldn't bring himself to look at the man who held the gun protectively by his side.

Doof heard his counterpart curse and then before he could say anything or even _breathe _there was another firing. Then there was a second thud and yet a third splattering of blood that day. The first being from the other him, the second from Perry the Platypus, and the third from…

"_Oh my __**god**_, did you seriously just _kill_ Rodney?!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz yelled in complete horror, just mortified.

"Perhaps." Alt. Doof replied and dropped the weapon the scientist wasn't even aware that the dictator even had.

"Why didn't you use that on the Normbots that have been attacking us all day?!" Doofenshmirtz asked, still a good amount of freaked out.

"They're bulletproof. It wouldn't have made sense."

"How long have you been carrying that thing around with you!?" Dr. Doofenshmirtz yelled again and the dictator sighed.

"You know, I'm getting pretty sick of your attitude towards everything I do…"

"You just killed someone!"

"Yeah…"

"And you don't even care!"

"What's your point?"

"YOU'RE A PSYCHOPATH! That's my point!"

Alt Doof agreed. "That's what my psychologist keeps telling me."

"Well why don't you listen to him?!"

"I have been listening! He's the one who suggested I get a gun in the first place…You know those management classes don't really _work_…"

"…You're insane…You're so _insane_…" Doofenshmirtz shook his head in his hand with each syllable. "This is horrible…Perry the Platypus...he's-"

"Alive." Alt. Doof finished his sentence. "Relax. It's okay, he wasn't shot lethally."

"No, but Rodney was, apparently…"

"What? Were you two friends or something?"

"No, we-"

"But you and your nemesis are, and he shot your nemesis. So technically…you're welcome." Alt. Doof shrugged.

Doofenshmirtz groaned and shoved the cyborg into the dictator's arms, running to join Phineas kneeling on the floor.

Phineas cried with small hiccups, and he sniffed. "D-Dr. Dee-ee..?" The boy shook out the name.

"Yeah?" Dr. Doofenshmirtz replied.

Phineas lip quivered, and then in another tidal wave of terrifying fury, "WHY DID YOU SEND THAT STUPID EMAIL?!"

"Exactly what I'm saying!" Alt. Doof pitched in, the cyborg's limp limbs swung when he turned. "Why?"

"I- I didn't mean to send it!" Doofenshmirtz cried.

"Didn't mean to send it!" Alt. Doof mocked the scientist. He walked over to set the unconscious Platyborg besides the unconscious Perry the Platypus on the floor. "Like we haven't all heard _that_ one before!"

"But I really didn't mean to!" Dr. Doofenshmirtz tried to tell them. "I- Okay I was _going _to send it but-"

"You _did _send it!" Alt. Doof growled. "Even after I specifically told you not to!"

"You told him not to send it but he sent it anyway?" Phineas asked.

"Yeah! The idiot sent it anyway!"

"Dr. D why would you do that? If he told you not to send it, then why would you go ahead and do it?"

"And I told him what would happen if he did! And he _STILL_ sent the thing out!" Alt. Doof complained.

"You knew all of this would happen?" Phineas' gawked at him.

Doofenshmirtz could feel the start of tears threatening to overflow down his cheeks. "I…I didn't…"

Alt Doof confirmed it. "He knew!"

Dr. Doofenshmirtz didn't say anything more, because what he was hearing, being accused of, was slowly starting to mix with what he thought he did and what he thought he didn't. The two morphed and couldn't be distinguished in his mind anymore. So he thought back to that Thursday morning that started it all.

_He opened his eyes to the bronze sunlight of a brand new morning. In the background, Norm was brewing this morning's coffee, and his laptop beeped an alert of one new email from an unknown recipient._


End file.
